More About Nothing….

Ironically, I have spent most of my night cooking, cleaning and going thru all of the excuses in my head as to why I did not finish my graduate research for the week (instead of actually completing it).  I also spent a good chunk of time watching proposal videos on HowHeAsked.com . I’ve been a sucker for weddings since I was a little girl and seeing the happiness those woman feel and te lengths the guys go through to make their girls happy makes me feel like its hope for us hopeless romantics yet.  While I’m pondering over nonsense that may or may not ever happen to me – I should have been replying to the 700 emails in my work inbox.

So here I am…typing from a dark room, on a semi comfortable mattress with the blankets being snatched from my back by an already sleeping mini-giant trying to recollect my days thoughts.
One thing that has continuously been on my mind is the notion that I am not cut out to be a computer scientist.  After 4 years you would think I had learned my lesson, but I haven’t.  It was the dollar signs that floated through my head as I accepted a full graduate scholarship instead of following my heart and pursuing journalism, which is only the thing i have been talking bout doing since I began to form sentences.  I must admit my grammar could use some work but I love writing…. It makes me happy, keeps me sane and when nothing else is going right the page won’t criticize me back but  somehow I neglect it.

Aside from my dreams of righting professional and trying to figure out a way to break into the freelance world, my health comes into question.  At one time, I was content with everything about myself now it’s like I’m fighting a losing battle.  Not only am I exhausted I’m FAT and no not the PHAT – there is nothing Pretty, Hot and Tempting about me…

Ode to the OverWhelmed !

I keep leaving my blog neglected, I wish I had more time to write but so much has been going on lately.  I’m going to TRY to make it my resolution to write at least 3 times a week, I’ve come to the conclusion that it makes me feel alot better.  Yesterday I finally got a chance for some much needed retail therapy and it made me realize how LARGE I have gotten lately.  I may start using my blog as a weight lost diary of some sort, idk.  I know I need to get in the gym and FAST.  Like Yesterday!

On a lighter note I am now a Starbucks Rewards member, my life needs coffee and LOTS of it. I kee telling myself it will all pay off in the end – my new motto for the rest of Grad. School.

For some reason I have been getting super overwhelmed lately not only am I working three jobs and a full time student- I am playing house wife to my, semi-live in boyfriend….But I guess it’s life.

The – Not So – Ordinary…

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t conflicted with my life right now.  I like to think that I am in the ideal situation but I’m not.  I find myself doing things I said I never would….

I come from a family of over achievers and perfectionists to say the least.  My parents expected and expect nothing but the best of me, so what do you do when somehow you feel like you’ve failed them?  Not directly though.

I just feel like my life isn’t going in the right direction.  I’m doing things because of other people and not paying attention to what I want for myself.  I don’t even know what that is anymore… I feel like in the process of me and “him” becoming one I lost myself and I don’t know how to get it back…

It’s hard because there is no one I can really talk to about it and it kills me.  There is so much I want to say but can’t get it out.  Eventually, I’m hoping things will change.  I have been planning this “life” for myself since I was 10 and I don’t want anything to mess it up now….

Somebody/Anybody…..Advice?…..Please

Some Kind Of Blues

My mood is currently overworked, underpaid and unappreciated.  My first week in grad school has been nothing short of hell and my emotions are going hay wire.  I feel like I’m always taking into account what other people feel and want – but not myself.  This is the long weekend and I have done NOTHING relaxing.  When will I have time to kick my feet up… I am two seconds from turning my phone off, locking my door and going into hibernation.  This cant be what happiness feels like.

I just want to feel like someone has my back.  I want to be pleasantly surprised by the prospect of nothing.  Sometimes being active and being there is the only thing a girl really wants.  I have a job, I’m a TA, I’m a full time student, I have to do research and I am also interviewing to be a mentor.  Never do I once here the words “it’s okay, I understand”.

Woman are naturally the doers an it’s not fair.  I won’t continue my rant -Goodnight bloggers!

Feels Good To Be Back

I feel like I haven’t posted in ages, but here I am.  Not much has happened:

1. Started my first year of Graduate School
2. Continued the Stress of my job
3. Began the journey as a TA
4. Started the process of juggling work, home life, a social life, homework and extra duties as a student ……

It’s most definitely not as easy as it looks – I could be doing 10 times better – but with time, I’ll incur wisdom.

Happy Hump Day!!

Oh The Joys of Moving

What a pleasure it has been moving.  Do you sense the sarcasm?  After the 12 hour drive to my destination an the enormous amounts of shopping I have done, here I am sitting on my balcony in front of the lake with my laptop beside me.  This is the life!

Aside from missing the cyber world, due to my recent lack of internet.  I have certainly been entertained by things not electronic lately and it felt good.

I havent been keeping up at all with my 30 things to blog about but I’ll update that later today.  I have more cleaning and working to do but somehow I just needed to take a moment to breath. I start grad school in two weeks, I’m nervous but looking forward to this new chapter in my life…..

Tata for now!

 

– Ms.Guided

Thing 1: I’m Good At Being Random

20 or so random facts about me in a not so poem form 🙂 .

I always thought I would be the tallest girl in my class, until about 5th grade when all the boys began to shoot up like bean stalks in country fields…I would stare at my legs as if waiting for them to ascend me into the clouds, it never happened, instead I grew in a different direction forcing me to wear extra clothing and not run as fast (1)….from then on the world looked different to me–I began to realize that life got complicated…Fast forwarding a few puberty-esque changes and years later, I watched the world spend around me, as I sat in a 2 story home in the suburbs of Chicago waiting for something to put me in motion (2)….My name is an unimportant piece of my story, I am a college educated lover of all things not related to my major(3)…I am sugar spice and everything above and beyond, only you would only know that if you  new me extremely well or you didn’t know me at all(5) ,

Being shy is my natural aura(6), I used to think that I was destined to live alone with nothing but a stack of notebooks and untold stories (7).  Ironically – this is halfway true.  Aside from my not so average friends who pop in and out and my overly sleepy hardworking boyfriend, I pretty much stick to myself (8).  Ever since I was about 9 I have been writing short stories, poems, songs and anything else with words.  It’s ironic that I went to school for Engineering, instead of journalism (9).  This blog is my not so grammatically correct way of rekindling my love for writing and just as a release (10).

Aside from everything else, I am a perfectionist(11).  When I was in 8th grade I told my parents the local high school wasn’t good enough and I singed up to test for a magnet school nearby (12).  The term overachiever fits me extremely well also (13).

Here I am, a 22-year-old master’s student (14), waiting for my life to unfold before my eyes.  I’m slightly afraid for what tomorrow may bring and kind of excited.  Although, I’m hoping that sometime in the near future tomorrow brings me a new Teacup Yorkie named Prince or EJ (15).

In order to sum it all up: 5 things that I have figured out about myself over the last year…

1. I am extremely honest to people I care about and If they know me – nobody should be shocked by what I say…It’s only because I care
2. It is hard for me to build relationships with people I don’t know.  I haven’t mastered the art of small talk yet.
3. I really want a pen pal (Odd I Know)
4. I plan to start a non-profit organization in the near future because the state of the world is driving me insane.
5. I enjoy the idea of having a family.

Until Tomorrow Loves,

Ms.Guided

My Ever After…

I have been neglecting my blog this past week, I’ve been happily wrapped in the arms of the man I love.  I never thought that I could feel this way for anybody, picking HIM up from the airport was by far the highlight of my summer.  My smile grew wider and wider as I drove closer to the airport. I parked my car with anticipation and eagerly awaited his arrival in baggage claim.  When I saw that man, it was as is a lightning bolt shot through my body – I wanted to jump into his arms.  Instead, I held my composure and ran (walked briskly) to him , wrapping my arms around him so tightly – trying to hold back every emotion I felt.

Constantly throughout the week I found myself just watching him… watching how interacts with people and how he interacts with my family.  Nobody can tell me that he isn’t simply amazing.  I swear we are meant to be.  I caught him staring at me numerous times, blowing kissing and making silly faces.  That’s how we love.  Sometimes, I can feel him watching me sleep and suddenly I feel his arms wrap around me and draw me in like a blanket.

I’m quilted in his love.  He is everything I want and need.  I’ve never been the type to introduce people to my family and be smitten by love but cupid finally got me.

Today was by far the hardest day ever for me – he left.  I cried because I didn’t want him to go – even though it was a week it felt like forever he had been here with me.  I had gotten used to listening to his heartbeat, the way he eats his food, the way he stares at me and most importantly the way he holds me.  I felt like a big baby today, like I was taking the walk of shame…. It’s so different talking on the phone everyday than seeing them in person – it’s so much more genuine.

I feel like my heart dropped as I pulled away from the airport today.  I’m not big on having tons of fake friends so normally, I’m a loner.  It was amazing having somebody to confide in an just ride with… he’s like my best friend.

I draped my arms around his neck and turned my head so he wouldn’t see my tears fall,I told myself I wouldn’t cry,

The more I looked down at the clock the heavier my eyes got,
but, I told myself I wouldn’t cry

I closed my eyes knowing that this wasn’t goodbye – only see you later,
but still I cried

An like rain clouds overflowing with precipitation, I began,
holding his hands as memories came to my eyes continuously telling myself this wasn’t goodbye…

He wiped my eyes and his smile could light the moon, whispering “I love you”, he turned away and hugged me, “I’ll see you soon”

-Ms.Guided